Let’s talk about big transitions…

My move from the classroom to the living room

I was getting my classroom ready for the morning when I received a phone call from my husband:

“Hailey, I just had a vision from the Lord.”

He proceeded to tell me that, on his way to work, the Lord had given him a vision of his future business. He was talking with a good friend and expressed that he had been feeling called to start his own business for awhile, but was nervous. His friend, already a business owner, responded by saying “C’mon man, you have no faith.” And those words echoed in his ears:

“You have no faith.”

And at that moment, he had a vision of his business, name and all.

As he finished recounting his experience, I heard apprehension in his voice: he was nervous about what I was going to say. Taking a deep breath, I simply said, “Okay, let’s go for it.”

So, he went for it. A few days later, the business was officially registered. Meanwhile, I was 7 months pregnant with our first son. It all happened in a whirlwind of excitement and hope for the future.

Shortly thereafter, I went into preterm labor. Our son was born on March 7th, 2020. One week later, the world shut down.

Navigating unexpected changes

So, there we were, working from home and raising a newborn in the middle of a global pandemic. Making it work. And then we got a phone call. My father in law had died.

My husband took off on a one-way flight for Texas to be with his family and our newborn son and I moved in with my aunt. It was a time of immense uncertainty, and the business floated away into the background of our chaotic lives. For a year and a half, it felt like a distant memory – something that we mentioned now and again but didn’t quite believe would ever truly happen.

And then, in August of 2021, all the pieces came together and our business became a reality. For my husband, it was a dream come true. For me, it was more like a nightmare come to life.

See, I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter, entering toddlerhood with our son, halfway through a master’s program, and established in a career as a high school English teacher. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped believing there was ever going to be a business. Mentally, I had moved on.

But Trey hadn’t. Unbeknownst to me, he had been working on the business the whole time. He was committed. I was lukewarm at best. The “yes” I had given back in the winter of 2020 had an expiration date.

Making a choice

As the business grew, so did my resentment toward my husband. I was teaching in the midst of the pandemic, very pregnant, stressed, and feeling more like an employee than a wife. The situation was less than ideal. So, I made the decision to take a leave of absence from my teaching position.

It was an incredibly difficult decision. My whole identity was – and frankly, still is – wrapped up in being a teacher. But in that moment, it was the only option we had. My husband and I were constantly bickering. Teaching was harder than it had ever been. My kids needed and deserved my attention. I was failing in every area of my life.

As I shared the news, I was careful to put a positive spin on everything. I told people that I wanted to spend quality time with the kids. That teaching was taking an emotional toll on me. That I just wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to take a break from the politics of public education.

And while all of those things are technically true, none of them are the real reason I’m staying home.

A necessary sacrifice

The real reason I’m staying home is that I can’t do it all. I am not superwoman. And, frankly, I’m tired of pretending that I am. It is exhausting for me and harmful to the women around me.

I’m going to say it again, real loud: I cannot do it all. And those words are painful to say and hear back. I so desperately want to be able to do everything and have time to spare. I want to be one of those people who has a career, well-behaved children, a happy marriage, and time to work out and read a new book. You know those people, right?

Well, if you do, I’m certainly not one of them. I’m tired, y’all. And it was all just too dang much. So, I made a big change. I put my career on hold, trusting that what is for me, is for me. Knowing that the voice in my head that says, “You can never turn back” is mistaken. Believing things won’t fall apart because I don’t have the next five years perfectly mapped out.

Now I’m home with my kids, resisting the urge to figure out the next step. Trying to enjoy this season of margin. It is truly a blessing to have a little more space to breath, a little more time to think, a little less on my plate. But it is also a great exercise in faith to let go of who I thought I had to be and who I was trying to become and just be.

Food for thought

You may not feel like there is anything you can put down. Honestly, I didn’t. I’m telling you all this in hindsight. At the time, every single thing I was doing felt absolutely essential. It always does. But I took a breath, I prayed and I asked the Lord to move. And, little by little, he created some distance for me. He showed me what I could put down. There was a time when I felt I could never stop teaching – but, in His mercy, He made some space.

So, if you’re feeling that it’s all too much, it just might be. If you’re looking for someone to say it, I will:

You don’t have to do it all.

You are not the sun. You don’t have to keep everything in orbit. You don’t have to live up to impossible expectations. Take a deep breath. Really look. You can put something down. And, chances are, it will be right there waiting for you when you are ready to pick it up. And if it isn’t? Wow, even better. It means someone else picked it up and handled it. And I bet you didn’t even realize that was an option.